Live on couple can make us very happy...or not. As Michael Argyle said on "The Psychology of Happiness". Married people are as average happier than singles, divorces, or widowed...in one analisis of 58 nothamerican studies it was find a correlation 0.14 betwen being married and goodbeing subjetive, the effect was bigger on male than on female, much bigger on yougs and more important on old studies... it was comfirmed in another studies in which variables like education, level of income, job, and age were control. Single male are less happy than single women... women give more social help the husband and he can talk to her better. Women use to talk more with their friends... ¿why to marry give so much satisfaction? ( live in couple without being married makes people a little less happy but is on the same line)
Happy married use to have more positive verbal actions than negative, less critics, more nice no verbal actions (kiss, gifts, helpful behaviours...), enjoy more sexual life, they are more time together, agree about money and they are in the line of solving problems when they have to take decitions.... couples talk a lot, this makes them to create a cognitive world share in which each one intensify the other opinions...
In a couple there are wonderfull moments and disgusting, the general subjetive satisfacción depend on both. In a study they predict married happiness subtracting to sexual relations frecuanty the number of fights.
This is what Argyle said on his book.
As a married woman, with two little children I would like to share a few things with you. I'm married with a wonderfull man since 1999, we were young and not interested on babies so we were alone during 5 years (how good)... later we went crazy and decide to have them, I adore my children but they complicate our life until one point I never thought it was possible.
So focus on married happiness what I discover was:
1º/ My happiness is my own responsability (nos my husband), any other person can make us happy. If we expect another to make us happy later or sooner this person will fail, because anybody can be in our head and read our thoughts. Our mood depends on how we understand the situations...one example: first year married, the kings day, this day is very important to me to have something on my slipper in the morning... but my husband was more worry to give me something I like, so a few days before in a street market I saw a leather wallet very beautefull, he bought it to me and told me this was may gift, I didn´t think much because in my family we never do that way, the gifts were a surprise given on the slippers in the morning.... so it came the day and I have nothing.... I was very sad but I understud it was his desire of making me happy... what it was making me so sad... after this day I always explain to him what I really want very clear.... the last one was to explain to him the different meaning of a flower and a plant as a gift, to me a flower is romantic and a way he tell me he loves me, a simbol, to him is to throw the money because it last a few days only, it's much better a plant that last a lot of time... but it´s not what I want....misunderstood in couple are very typical, no one understand the same things in the same ways, the only way is being clear, if you don´t tell your couple what you feel, he can´t know it
2º/ Accept your couple justthe way he/she is. The problem here is that we don't use to accept ourselves so... When you accept yourselves better you are more indulgent with the others, if you are able to see your goods and your defects and take it easy you will make it with the rest, your couple, your children....and over all you won´t be looking for the fail on the others to feel better with yourself.
To accept oneselve is not easy, takes time, understand you don´t have to be perfect, and you don´t have to make what anybody expect, to realize that everybody have barbaric thinking sometimes, to respect oneself and allow to do what you really want, to allow to do things accepting the possibility they go bad.. At the end is something like being the best friend, somebody that is always with you in good and bad....
We live in a society that judges, this is bad, this is good, this is....the things have to be make in one way, there is always critic... we have to go out this game, it´s not your problem what other think, your problem is what you think and in this you have a lot to say
3º/ The most important is to focus on the good of your couple, he is a real person, not a blue prince, not an ideal. He is real with some caracteristics, some you like more, some less, some you hate. Well, you can focus on what you prefer, if you focus on what you hate it´s better to divorce, there´s no hope... but if you focus on the good the most of time, love will grow and life will be much easy.
One example of everyday living, when I married my husband was a littel special with food. I like to cook (but not everyday), he use to critic when something was not very good... and this make me to hate to cook to him. I told him that when I cook I try to make it the best I know and I'm concern about health so I try to cook healthy and tasty but if he always tell me when I do bad and never when he likes I was
going to stop cooking to him and letting him to cook his own food. My husband understand how bad he makes me to feel so even if he doesn´t use to tell me anything when I make it very good he use to eat very quietly when I do bad. Women use to be very critic when men make something at home, genetic consideration apart man making the homework are different, they are not so trained like women .....if your man makes the effort don´t get him down
4º/ the sex, it´s important to strengthen the relation, my experience (I don´t know if it´s more or less usual) is that littel by littel I lose interest (my husband keep it) so we have some problems with this. It´s very sad to discover you so cold.... I discover that sex like any other thing has to be look after in the couple... I was looking for information and at the end one sentence in a book make me to think. Man think on sex a lot, women don´t, ..... let´s think about sex, I try to think about it everyday sometimes and reading erotic books.... it work.... I´m very happy and my husband... more
I hope it help and you enjoy.
A kiss
Resumiendo, muy útil para la salud de la relación de pareja, es hablar claro y no esperar que el otro adivine, quererse y respetarse mucho a uno mismo (a los demás les gusta estar con gente así), aceptarse a uno mismo y al otro tal y como se es; centrar la atención en todo lo bueno de tu pareja (y rezar para que la pareja haga lo mismo con nosotros), no juzgar, disfrutar de la sexualidad...en fin, usar el sentido común, si algo te hace daño a ti, no lo hagas a los demás...
Besos y a disfrutar....
Sunday, November 7, 2010
Sunday, September 26, 2010
Just a remember.
One of the most useful ways to feel good and happy is to focus on what it's good in your life. I don't know why we have the use of focus on what we don't have (and the neighbour does), we have our life and our situation, somethings are good, somethings are bad, we can choose what we focus on, it's a matter of habit, when we realize focusing on the bad we simply change, stop complaning and begining thanking
To feel thank and remember all the good things than we have and happen to us along the day is one habit that will make you to feel incredibly better.
kisses, have a lovely day
One of the most useful ways to feel good and happy is to focus on what it's good in your life. I don't know why we have the use of focus on what we don't have (and the neighbour does), we have our life and our situation, somethings are good, somethings are bad, we can choose what we focus on, it's a matter of habit, when we realize focusing on the bad we simply change, stop complaning and begining thanking
To feel thank and remember all the good things than we have and happen to us along the day is one habit that will make you to feel incredibly better.
kisses, have a lovely day
A five minutes trick:
What we're feeling depend on what we're thinking, this knowledge give us a remarkable control on our emotions if we want. How we can use this.
You can make a list of resources to use when you feel bad.
For example, you can read something light and amusing (I adore Asterix and Obelix). Remember that something on the kind of Ana Frank diary won't make you feel better.
Remember something /somebody nice (for example, my son Diego is very thicklish and his laughthing is really contagious, only remember it makes me to laugh; my husband, lovely man, use to buy me a rose sometimes, I love them, and even if he consider the flowers are something useless he buys them to me because he understand I adore them).
Listen to music something that makes you feel better not worst. (For example, to me there is a song of Mecano (spanish group), it's a salsa music (Bailando Salsa), the letter is very funny and the music is move, I always finish laughing)
Watching something on tv, something that makes you laugh, The bridges of Madison county maybe not a good idea, something more in the line of In and Out, Meet the parents....
If we exposed to something sad we will feel sad, if we exposed to something funny we will feel good. It's interesting to chose what we want to exposed to because if will affect our mood, the kind of people we use to be, if we are always with people pesimist and complaining we will feel that way and will have to strive to feel in another way, if we're always watching on tv bad news and fights, how we will feel....
At least be concious....
What we're feeling depend on what we're thinking, this knowledge give us a remarkable control on our emotions if we want. How we can use this.
You can make a list of resources to use when you feel bad.
For example, you can read something light and amusing (I adore Asterix and Obelix). Remember that something on the kind of Ana Frank diary won't make you feel better.
Remember something /somebody nice (for example, my son Diego is very thicklish and his laughthing is really contagious, only remember it makes me to laugh; my husband, lovely man, use to buy me a rose sometimes, I love them, and even if he consider the flowers are something useless he buys them to me because he understand I adore them).
Listen to music something that makes you feel better not worst. (For example, to me there is a song of Mecano (spanish group), it's a salsa music (Bailando Salsa), the letter is very funny and the music is move, I always finish laughing)
Watching something on tv, something that makes you laugh, The bridges of Madison county maybe not a good idea, something more in the line of In and Out, Meet the parents....
If we exposed to something sad we will feel sad, if we exposed to something funny we will feel good. It's interesting to chose what we want to exposed to because if will affect our mood, the kind of people we use to be, if we are always with people pesimist and complaining we will feel that way and will have to strive to feel in another way, if we're always watching on tv bad news and fights, how we will feel....
At least be concious....
Today, I´m going to copy, I like this letter a lot, I think it can make us to consider, I don´t know the author but it´s bright.
Letter to all the parents of the world:
1- Don't yell me, I respect you less when you do it, you teach me to yell myself and I don't want to do it.
2- Treat me with kindness and cordiality, as you do with your friends, that we´re relatives don't imply we can´t be friends.
3- If I do something wrong, don't ask me why, usually I don´t know
4- Don't lie when I'm around, and don't ask me to lie by you. You make me to lose the faith on what you say and make me to feel bad.
5- When you make a mistake, admit it. I will have a better opinion on you and will show me to admit my own mistakes.
6- Don't compare me with anybody, specially with my brethern. If you make me look better than another, somebody will suffer and ir you make me to look worst, I will suffer.
7- Let me do by myself. If you do the things by me I won´t learn
8- Don´t order me always. If you ask me and don't order, I will make it quickly and I would like it more.
9- Don´t change the opinion so often about what I should do.
10- Fulfills the promises, good and bad, if you promise me a reward give it to me and so if a punishment
11- Try to understand and help me. When I tell you a worry, don´t tell me it's not important... to me it is
12- Don't tell me to do what you don´t. I will learn and do always what you do, even if you don´t tell me. But I won´t do what you tell me to do and you don´t.
13- Don´t give me everything I ask you, sometimes I only ask to know until what point I can take you.
14- Love me and tell me. I like to hear you saying it, even if you think It´s nos necessary.
Fights with a child are sad and not necessary, adults are intelligent enought and can find a way to avoid it.
Letter to all the parents of the world:
1- Don't yell me, I respect you less when you do it, you teach me to yell myself and I don't want to do it.
2- Treat me with kindness and cordiality, as you do with your friends, that we´re relatives don't imply we can´t be friends.
3- If I do something wrong, don't ask me why, usually I don´t know
4- Don't lie when I'm around, and don't ask me to lie by you. You make me to lose the faith on what you say and make me to feel bad.
5- When you make a mistake, admit it. I will have a better opinion on you and will show me to admit my own mistakes.
6- Don't compare me with anybody, specially with my brethern. If you make me look better than another, somebody will suffer and ir you make me to look worst, I will suffer.
7- Let me do by myself. If you do the things by me I won´t learn
8- Don´t order me always. If you ask me and don't order, I will make it quickly and I would like it more.
9- Don´t change the opinion so often about what I should do.
10- Fulfills the promises, good and bad, if you promise me a reward give it to me and so if a punishment
11- Try to understand and help me. When I tell you a worry, don´t tell me it's not important... to me it is
12- Don't tell me to do what you don´t. I will learn and do always what you do, even if you don´t tell me. But I won´t do what you tell me to do and you don´t.
13- Don´t give me everything I ask you, sometimes I only ask to know until what point I can take you.
14- Love me and tell me. I like to hear you saying it, even if you think It´s nos necessary.
Fights with a child are sad and not necessary, adults are intelligent enought and can find a way to avoid it.
Saturday, September 4, 2010
irrational ideas 4
Magnification: Give to much important to the negative aspects of something. It`s very usual, maybe the human being are a little masochistic and as one bad situacion is nos enought bad we make it worst. If you use to be like that remember, if it can be solve, why you worry? and if it can't be solve, then why you worry?
Minimization: Give no important to the positive aspectos of something. Here it comes to my mind the typical reaction when somebody tells us how beautiful is something we're wearing.... oh, no, it's so old, it's 10 years... or something about...(I don't know in another countries but in Spain it is what it usually would happen), the right answer when somebody tells you a flattery is... Thank you!
Minimization: Give no important to the positive aspectos of something. Here it comes to my mind the typical reaction when somebody tells us how beautiful is something we're wearing.... oh, no, it's so old, it's 10 years... or something about...(I don't know in another countries but in Spain it is what it usually would happen), the right answer when somebody tells you a flattery is... Thank you!
Friday, July 30, 2010
irrational ideas 3
Here I'm again, looking for the way of thinking that make us to feel better.
Tunnel vision: We consider only a part of the information, the negative. Reality is filtered, only pay attention to lost, rejections, injustice..Skip pleasant and reinforcing aspects. This way of thinking is very usual, you only have to see the television, the journalist in particular must have a course to train it in the university. This particular irrational thought is very dangerous because our happiness depends on how we can realize about the good on our life. We live in the best place in the world with the higher quality of life, the most have a good family, couple, children, friends, a house to live (sure it's beauty and comfortable), a car to travel, nutritive and tasty food.....but what we do... we compare with supermultimillonarios and despite I would not mind to win in the lottery money enought to 8 generations of luxury and fortune, it's clear this is not going to give more happiness than the one I have right now, because the happiness depends on that I accept my life and consider the wonderful things I have on it. Besides we're on the best period of history, imagine to be born on middle ages or ancient Rome....
Overgeneralization: generalize the negative part of an experience.Something like.. I failed this exam I'm not good on study best I quit.
Use Never, Always, all, none...We use habitual this words when we dispute with another, we use to dispute because we feel upset and we want the other to feel as bad as we feel, if we want to solve a problem we sit down and have a conversation, don't feel bad, you were not concius of this, next time you don't have any excuse. Well, when we dispute (to get blood remember) we use this words that manipulate, make feel guilty and show us as victims. When we're alone we can use to feel victims, something like.... none love me (well, anybody can think whatever... but if anybody loves you, something really littel probably you always can try to love yourself)
lots lots of kisses, I will continue....
Tunnel vision: We consider only a part of the information, the negative. Reality is filtered, only pay attention to lost, rejections, injustice..Skip pleasant and reinforcing aspects. This way of thinking is very usual, you only have to see the television, the journalist in particular must have a course to train it in the university. This particular irrational thought is very dangerous because our happiness depends on how we can realize about the good on our life. We live in the best place in the world with the higher quality of life, the most have a good family, couple, children, friends, a house to live (sure it's beauty and comfortable), a car to travel, nutritive and tasty food.....but what we do... we compare with supermultimillonarios and despite I would not mind to win in the lottery money enought to 8 generations of luxury and fortune, it's clear this is not going to give more happiness than the one I have right now, because the happiness depends on that I accept my life and consider the wonderful things I have on it. Besides we're on the best period of history, imagine to be born on middle ages or ancient Rome....
Overgeneralization: generalize the negative part of an experience.Something like.. I failed this exam I'm not good on study best I quit.
Use Never, Always, all, none...We use habitual this words when we dispute with another, we use to dispute because we feel upset and we want the other to feel as bad as we feel, if we want to solve a problem we sit down and have a conversation, don't feel bad, you were not concius of this, next time you don't have any excuse. Well, when we dispute (to get blood remember) we use this words that manipulate, make feel guilty and show us as victims. When we're alone we can use to feel victims, something like.... none love me (well, anybody can think whatever... but if anybody loves you, something really littel probably you always can try to love yourself)
lots lots of kisses, I will continue....
Thursday, July 29, 2010
irrational thoughts 2
Hi, Im again with the irrational thoughts. To understand the way we think give us tools to have a better vision of things, more control. As I coment on the last post about this, our brain didn't develop to make us philosophers but to live be social and have reproductive success.
Mind reader: to think you know what another persona is thinking or feeling just becouse you feel or would feel in a particular way on that situation. It's thought than every human being feels on the same way. That's not true, the way we understand, feel and think the situations depends on our persona beliefs thar are develop over all our life.
Arbitrary inference: You understand the situation without any logic. Something like, the winter was hot, so the summer will be rainning; or the floor of my house is from wood so your coat will be white... even if you think this examples are very extreme the truth a lot of times is that we put on relation things that has any. The superstitius or what the witches make is base a lot on this. Once a which was making me a ritual agaist the envy. In a glass of water with a horn she begin praying moving the horn with a spoon and obviously there were bubbles, this was her proof somebody envy me and was hurting me, obviously with her prays and me driking that water (that part was not easy), I would feel free and health (I'm still waiting to feel something else than nausea, this things without suggestion don't work)
Personalization: Thinking the rest have a negative attitude about you without evidence. Everything is in relation with oneself, littel sensation of control, you compare all the time with the others, understand eny experience, chat, look to analyze oneself. The most of us use to be very busy worring about us so we don't use to have a lot of time to worry about anothers, there's a study on Richard Wiseman book 59 seconds. Think a little, change a lot. The book is interesting because gives ideas to do in 59 seconds to make you more happy. besides it's funny
A BIG KISS
Mind reader: to think you know what another persona is thinking or feeling just becouse you feel or would feel in a particular way on that situation. It's thought than every human being feels on the same way. That's not true, the way we understand, feel and think the situations depends on our persona beliefs thar are develop over all our life.
Arbitrary inference: You understand the situation without any logic. Something like, the winter was hot, so the summer will be rainning; or the floor of my house is from wood so your coat will be white... even if you think this examples are very extreme the truth a lot of times is that we put on relation things that has any. The superstitius or what the witches make is base a lot on this. Once a which was making me a ritual agaist the envy. In a glass of water with a horn she begin praying moving the horn with a spoon and obviously there were bubbles, this was her proof somebody envy me and was hurting me, obviously with her prays and me driking that water (that part was not easy), I would feel free and health (I'm still waiting to feel something else than nausea, this things without suggestion don't work)
Personalization: Thinking the rest have a negative attitude about you without evidence. Everything is in relation with oneself, littel sensation of control, you compare all the time with the others, understand eny experience, chat, look to analyze oneself. The most of us use to be very busy worring about us so we don't use to have a lot of time to worry about anothers, there's a study on Richard Wiseman book 59 seconds. Think a little, change a lot. The book is interesting because gives ideas to do in 59 seconds to make you more happy. besides it's funny
A BIG KISS
what about the children?
Yesterday I had an interesting talk with my sister, my way to educate my children crash radical with my parents one so now that my sister is thinking about having a baby she'is worry about this. Talking to her I realize how many confusion there is about different concepts, for example it's confuse to be tender with being permissive.
To be tender is a needing to the children because it helps them to develop a healthy self-esteem. The self concept is the basic tool in human happiness, in addiction with the perception of control is what allows people to live a full life.
A person with a healthy self-esteem has this belief: "I'm worthy of love" "I'm valuable" (I can handle with myself and the rest effectively. I have something to offer anothers) One with good self concept trust in oneself and knows the goods and the weakness, this person depend on him/herself, makes what he/she really wants inside the self respect, he/she has tolerance and flexibility. As you can see to be able to love and respect truly oneself has a lot advantage.
As parents it's not so important to love our children (something I don't doubt is habitual) more than showing them they are loved, they are cared, so respecting them, it's amazing how the human rights are no question in adults but they are with children and old people. Despite than children have not the experience and cognitive tools than adults this don't have to involve that thear opinion is sistematic unheeded whether is a logic reason or not. When you deny or give something to a child it has to be by logic approach not because you're afraid of something or because simply you're an adult and can deny it (that's abuse of power and very unpleasant when we're the victims). What it's writen above is about respect the children, to be tender with them is independent of this, it's another question.
About being tender I only can say than I cannot see how to embrace, kiss, caress your childrem can hurt them in anyway unless your mind is really twisted
The children lear by the model we give them not by what we tell them they have to do, I know by own experiencie how hard is to be on test all day but remember you don't want they to be perfect, you want they to be happy.
the self concept of children is develop by the information we give them, if we tell them they make something bad we're correcting a behaviour, if we tell them they are bad we're attacking and disrespect them.
Another variable important to happiness is the own perception of control. The good new is than we are really able to control our lifes, we can decide in different options, we can even decide how to feel, it takes a little work to get use but if we train ourselves in critic way of thinking and understand the way our brain reason and its lacks, in the las post I was giving some irrational thoughts I will keep on giving more.
One book very interesting to parents is "Your child's Self-Esteern" Dorothy Corkille Briggs. It's a little old (1970)but very good
A kiss
To be tender is a needing to the children because it helps them to develop a healthy self-esteem. The self concept is the basic tool in human happiness, in addiction with the perception of control is what allows people to live a full life.
A person with a healthy self-esteem has this belief: "I'm worthy of love" "I'm valuable" (I can handle with myself and the rest effectively. I have something to offer anothers) One with good self concept trust in oneself and knows the goods and the weakness, this person depend on him/herself, makes what he/she really wants inside the self respect, he/she has tolerance and flexibility. As you can see to be able to love and respect truly oneself has a lot advantage.
As parents it's not so important to love our children (something I don't doubt is habitual) more than showing them they are loved, they are cared, so respecting them, it's amazing how the human rights are no question in adults but they are with children and old people. Despite than children have not the experience and cognitive tools than adults this don't have to involve that thear opinion is sistematic unheeded whether is a logic reason or not. When you deny or give something to a child it has to be by logic approach not because you're afraid of something or because simply you're an adult and can deny it (that's abuse of power and very unpleasant when we're the victims). What it's writen above is about respect the children, to be tender with them is independent of this, it's another question.
About being tender I only can say than I cannot see how to embrace, kiss, caress your childrem can hurt them in anyway unless your mind is really twisted
The children lear by the model we give them not by what we tell them they have to do, I know by own experiencie how hard is to be on test all day but remember you don't want they to be perfect, you want they to be happy.
the self concept of children is develop by the information we give them, if we tell them they make something bad we're correcting a behaviour, if we tell them they are bad we're attacking and disrespect them.
Another variable important to happiness is the own perception of control. The good new is than we are really able to control our lifes, we can decide in different options, we can even decide how to feel, it takes a little work to get use but if we train ourselves in critic way of thinking and understand the way our brain reason and its lacks, in the las post I was giving some irrational thoughts I will keep on giving more.
One book very interesting to parents is "Your child's Self-Esteern" Dorothy Corkille Briggs. It's a little old (1970)but very good
A kiss
Thursday, July 22, 2010
Typical erroneus ways of thinking
Our brain is not desing to reason with logic, it is desing to reason in a human way, prepare to a social context, we work making patterns to organizate the world, so we can find a quickly choice when we are on a similar experience. Besides our cognition is in the cortex and it's slowly than our emotions.
There are some typical mistakes to reason.
-Emotional reason: to take our emotions like an evidence that something is objetive, if I fear it is dangerous, If I like him he is a good person. One thing is the emotion that something has on us and another is its moral value. We can like something a lot and to be dangerous (anything that generates an addition), we can fear something and to be good (the vegetables on a lot of children and some adults)
-Catastrophic thinking: get the conclution tan something terrible is going to happen without evidence, in our pesimist society is a way of thinking very habitual enhanced by the television that all the time show bad news and traumatic situations forgeting than this are exceptions not the normality. One example of this it was what it happen with the flu this winter
There are some typical mistakes to reason.
-Emotional reason: to take our emotions like an evidence that something is objetive, if I fear it is dangerous, If I like him he is a good person. One thing is the emotion that something has on us and another is its moral value. We can like something a lot and to be dangerous (anything that generates an addition), we can fear something and to be good (the vegetables on a lot of children and some adults)
-Catastrophic thinking: get the conclution tan something terrible is going to happen without evidence, in our pesimist society is a way of thinking very habitual enhanced by the television that all the time show bad news and traumatic situations forgeting than this are exceptions not the normality. One example of this it was what it happen with the flu this winter
Tuesday, June 29, 2010
Hi, sorry I didn't write in a while...I let it be and with the children... OK, today I was preparing in the work material about the self concept and its influence on our quality of life. Depending on the way we use to think about us the self concept can move to positive or negative. The negative way is got thinking on labels, like...I'm bad, I'm good, I'm stubborn... in a dicotomic way
The positive way use to be gotten by considering any situation like something that don't define us, without judge, like... I have the skill of... on this situation i didn't make my best... It's like when you fall out a child, there's a lot of difference to tell him/her. you're bad than you are making it wrong, on the second it's not the whole person implaid, there's opportunity to change.
To have a positive self concept depends on the way we reason.
Any doubt, want to know more... tell me. Lots of kisses
The positive way use to be gotten by considering any situation like something that don't define us, without judge, like... I have the skill of... on this situation i didn't make my best... It's like when you fall out a child, there's a lot of difference to tell him/her. you're bad than you are making it wrong, on the second it's not the whole person implaid, there's opportunity to change.
To have a positive self concept depends on the way we reason.
Any doubt, want to know more... tell me. Lots of kisses
Tuesday, May 18, 2010
Look for solution not for a guilty
When facing a problem look for a solution not for a guilty.
There are two basic ways of facing problems, one is to look for the guilty. Who was?!, the other is to try to solve it.
In a higher porcentage than what it should happen we look for a guilty. This don't solve the problem but make it worst. When you find the guilty what you're going to do?. To beat him/her?.
Any person than make a mistake feels enought embarrass, he/her doesn't need to be point to or anything else
To look for a solution has a very high probability of solving the problem (if it's possible), besides it's given the posibility of learning if it was a human fail and don't encourage feelings of shame and guiltyness....
There are two basic ways of facing problems, one is to look for the guilty. Who was?!, the other is to try to solve it.
In a higher porcentage than what it should happen we look for a guilty. This don't solve the problem but make it worst. When you find the guilty what you're going to do?. To beat him/her?.
Any person than make a mistake feels enought embarrass, he/her doesn't need to be point to or anything else
To look for a solution has a very high probability of solving the problem (if it's possible), besides it's given the posibility of learning if it was a human fail and don't encourage feelings of shame and guiltyness....
Better write than talk
When you have a problem you better write it down than speak about it. When we are in group we use to take more extreme decisions than when alone. To talk with another about our problems can be of not help al all (this in the best situation) or even to be negative to us. Imagine you have a problem with a person you work with, if you talk about it with a friend probably your friend would understand you and you would take your arguments further than if you would't , this will make the problem bigger and bigger.
When we write down a problem the cognitive process is completely different than we we talk. We have to organize better the information, this will allow us to make a better analysis of the problem and would make easy to find solutions
When we write down a problem the cognitive process is completely different than we we talk. We have to organize better the information, this will allow us to make a better analysis of the problem and would make easy to find solutions
Tuesday, May 11, 2010
We regret more whatwe don't do than what we d
If we do something, it can go good or not but usually we don't regret a lot about it.
When we look back on our life we regret more what we did not than what we did.
This knowledge can help us when taking decisions about whether doing something we would like but we are afraid, the satisfaccion if it gets good is bigger than the danger that it's not so.
It can be from common sense but, anybody survives life, don't do because of fear like when we're afraid of a closer relation with a friend or a possible couple. It's always better to suffer from love than don't have love, we know we had lived and we can do it again... when we go throught. Besides sometimes the thing goes good, that person we give an opportunity really worth it
When we look back on our life we regret more what we did not than what we did.
This knowledge can help us when taking decisions about whether doing something we would like but we are afraid, the satisfaccion if it gets good is bigger than the danger that it's not so.
It can be from common sense but, anybody survives life, don't do because of fear like when we're afraid of a closer relation with a friend or a possible couple. It's always better to suffer from love than don't have love, we know we had lived and we can do it again... when we go throught. Besides sometimes the thing goes good, that person we give an opportunity really worth it
Sunday, May 9, 2010
To get angry only makes bad to ourselves
To get angry only makes bad to ourselves.
The emotions affect our body fisically, our own emotions affect us and nobody else, the angryness makes us to feel bad, and only to ourselves (unless we make something to make anothers to feel the same).
If we get angry because another person gets something we wanted, the person who feels bad about our angryness is ourselves, the other person probably even would not know it.
Considering what it is above to get angry is a really stupid behaviour and it goes against our health and happiness.
The emotions affect our body fisically, our own emotions affect us and nobody else, the angryness makes us to feel bad, and only to ourselves (unless we make something to make anothers to feel the same).
If we get angry because another person gets something we wanted, the person who feels bad about our angryness is ourselves, the other person probably even would not know it.
Considering what it is above to get angry is a really stupid behaviour and it goes against our health and happiness.
Saturday, May 8, 2010
Development of moral system
There are 6 different levels on the moral system development we go through from our childhood and youth. If we get to reach the last level we become into a full- develope human being and this get us closer to the posibility of living happily
The levels are:
1- Selfishness
Stage1 Punishment. "I will not do this because I don't want to be punished."
Stage2 Reward. "I will do this because I want to be reward."
2-Social approval.
Stage3 Interpersonal relations. "I will not do this because I need people to like me"
Stage4 Social order. "I will not do tis because I would be breaking the law"
3-Abstract ideals
Stage 5 Social contract. "I will not do this because I'm not obiged to do so"
Stage 6 Universal rights. "I will not do this, it's wrong whatever anothers say"
In any moment of our life we can behave in any of this levels but if we usually behave considering the last one is because we have come to a full development of our cognitive skills. We consider the differents variables affecting each situation to consider its morality.
But, why is it so important to be happy to have a 6 level of moral system and good cognitive skills?
Our happiness depends on how we understand the reality, on how we think about everything, to have a good cognitve skills help us to consider the matters from differents points of view, consider alternatives, being objetive, knowing why we make the things and changing our way of doing if necesary, make us flexibility.
Mental skills like everything in our live have to be trainned and the only way of doing this, it's using our brain, thinking.
For example, one moral dilemma: Death penalty. You can take one position about it and explain why. It can be a good moral exercise that train your cognitive skills.
I can say that death penalty is in relation with our consideration of social relations, whether we relation by love or by justice. By justice we consider the revenge like a way of rewardering the victims. Another way of consider social relation is love, consider the posibility of failing and learning from it. In this way it would be the rehabilitation penal system, you consider the criminal like somebody who did something wrong and try to help this person to adapt to society at the same time you protect society from people who can damage anothers.
what do you think?
The moral levels are taking from Lawrence Kohlberg. On the last 50s he was making an experiment. He follow children while turning into adults to know the level of moral development they were going throught and the top they come. I'm sorry I have the information only in a spanish article. (Temas 49 Investigación y Ciencia. Article "El desarrollo moral de los niños" William Damon). But I think it would not be much difficult to find something about it in english searching in internet.
The levels are:
1- Selfishness
Stage1 Punishment. "I will not do this because I don't want to be punished."
Stage2 Reward. "I will do this because I want to be reward."
2-Social approval.
Stage3 Interpersonal relations. "I will not do this because I need people to like me"
Stage4 Social order. "I will not do tis because I would be breaking the law"
3-Abstract ideals
Stage 5 Social contract. "I will not do this because I'm not obiged to do so"
Stage 6 Universal rights. "I will not do this, it's wrong whatever anothers say"
In any moment of our life we can behave in any of this levels but if we usually behave considering the last one is because we have come to a full development of our cognitive skills. We consider the differents variables affecting each situation to consider its morality.
But, why is it so important to be happy to have a 6 level of moral system and good cognitive skills?
Our happiness depends on how we understand the reality, on how we think about everything, to have a good cognitve skills help us to consider the matters from differents points of view, consider alternatives, being objetive, knowing why we make the things and changing our way of doing if necesary, make us flexibility.
Mental skills like everything in our live have to be trainned and the only way of doing this, it's using our brain, thinking.
For example, one moral dilemma: Death penalty. You can take one position about it and explain why. It can be a good moral exercise that train your cognitive skills.
I can say that death penalty is in relation with our consideration of social relations, whether we relation by love or by justice. By justice we consider the revenge like a way of rewardering the victims. Another way of consider social relation is love, consider the posibility of failing and learning from it. In this way it would be the rehabilitation penal system, you consider the criminal like somebody who did something wrong and try to help this person to adapt to society at the same time you protect society from people who can damage anothers.
what do you think?
The moral levels are taking from Lawrence Kohlberg. On the last 50s he was making an experiment. He follow children while turning into adults to know the level of moral development they were going throught and the top they come. I'm sorry I have the information only in a spanish article. (Temas 49 Investigación y Ciencia. Article "El desarrollo moral de los niños" William Damon). But I think it would not be much difficult to find something about it in english searching in internet.
Friday, April 30, 2010
Focus on what we are ad have
We don't use to value all we have (whether material or not). We spend our lives wanting to get something so when we get it we look for another and so on. If we look back to what we got on life,what we are in all ways, personal, work, friendship, family, material things... we can feel really good about it.
We use to focus on the defects, on what we have not. For example, If you have a husband sensitive, kind, wonderful with you and the children, easy to live with.... you can complain because he is slowly, or because he does not make the things of the house like you would...
Focus on anothers faults or what we have not is a very harmful habit.
With children the same, they behave lovely all day and when are sleepy, tired and behave bad is when you give them attention. We must correct but also it's important we recognize usually the children behave good. When they make something wrong we can correct them but not telling them they are bad because it's not true and harm them (I know what I'm talking about I have two littles ones).
Focus how lovely is your couple and children makes better the every day living. Besides we are not perfect ourselves.
With the material things the same, we focus on places we can't go, things we can't have.... instead of thinking on everything we already have. I'm the first one who would not mind to be outraeously rich but it's not necesary to be happy, there are many studies that show that reached an economical level having more or less money affects little to the happiness. The most of things that makes us enjoy are not expensive or simply free, like chating, laughing, walking, sex, singing, sports, enjoy nature, do something manual, remembering (a travel, situation, movie you liked), imagine, daydreaming, nightdreaming...)
We can habit to valuing ourselves, our life, our relatives, our things, if we discover thinking on what we don't we can change our mind to positive. We can make an action like: In the book "The Secret" (read on anyone owns risk) there is a really intelligence idea. It's called the thanks stone or something similar. You cary a stone or another small object in the pocket, every time your touch it you must think on somethin pleasant to feel grateful. It focus you on positive on a very easy way.
Remember, we feel depending on our thoughts, if you feel bad it's because you're thinking on something that hurts you, you can analize it and sarch for arguments to change them.
What we think is not necesary true and it doesn't define us, it's only a product of our mind. Really sometimes our neurons have nothing else to do than driven us crazy, but we can reason and choose.
I hope it helps you to feel better. A kiss
We use to focus on the defects, on what we have not. For example, If you have a husband sensitive, kind, wonderful with you and the children, easy to live with.... you can complain because he is slowly, or because he does not make the things of the house like you would...
Focus on anothers faults or what we have not is a very harmful habit.
With children the same, they behave lovely all day and when are sleepy, tired and behave bad is when you give them attention. We must correct but also it's important we recognize usually the children behave good. When they make something wrong we can correct them but not telling them they are bad because it's not true and harm them (I know what I'm talking about I have two littles ones).
Focus how lovely is your couple and children makes better the every day living. Besides we are not perfect ourselves.
With the material things the same, we focus on places we can't go, things we can't have.... instead of thinking on everything we already have. I'm the first one who would not mind to be outraeously rich but it's not necesary to be happy, there are many studies that show that reached an economical level having more or less money affects little to the happiness. The most of things that makes us enjoy are not expensive or simply free, like chating, laughing, walking, sex, singing, sports, enjoy nature, do something manual, remembering (a travel, situation, movie you liked), imagine, daydreaming, nightdreaming...)
We can habit to valuing ourselves, our life, our relatives, our things, if we discover thinking on what we don't we can change our mind to positive. We can make an action like: In the book "The Secret" (read on anyone owns risk) there is a really intelligence idea. It's called the thanks stone or something similar. You cary a stone or another small object in the pocket, every time your touch it you must think on somethin pleasant to feel grateful. It focus you on positive on a very easy way.
Remember, we feel depending on our thoughts, if you feel bad it's because you're thinking on something that hurts you, you can analize it and sarch for arguments to change them.
What we think is not necesary true and it doesn't define us, it's only a product of our mind. Really sometimes our neurons have nothing else to do than driven us crazy, but we can reason and choose.
I hope it helps you to feel better. A kiss
Thursday, April 29, 2010
Realize about our thoughts
Throughout our lives we internalize a set of beliefs about how things are, this beliefs are consider like holy truth and guide our behavior and our thoughts in a non-concious way.
Most of time we behave by habits and make quickly judgement with lttle information, our brain is structured to make patterns, habits, routines, both in actions and in thoughts.
The set of beliefs guide our everyday life, they are our beliefs about anothers doing, what we can do or not, how we are... all this deal our behavior and social relationships.
We use to explain our behavior after, we are an story makers (and we make it really good).
We can detect our beliefs paying attention to what we use to say, and what we use to do, what is important to us, what anothers make that really upset us, what it's usually said in our family.... our beliefs come from our close ambience
To reflect on moral sistem, why we feel something better or worst, the cultural use (like meal times), trying to understand why anothers think the way they do. We don't have to say like a reason to do something "I make it because I think so..." We have to try to find a really reason why something is better doing than another... if we decide to make it because we think so at least we know that there are options the same good.
We can develop a more rational system of beliefs which would help us to live happier, more concious, more responsible and over all more respect with us and the rest of the people, we would get things by negotiation and reason, not because we are stronger or shout louder.
Most of limitations are on our beliefs not in the reality, in general anybody can get anything they want, one astronaut is a human being with trainning, simply somethings take more work than anothers.
One psychologist very interesting to read about destructive beliefs, feelings and behaviors is Albert Ellis who develop the Rational Emotive Behavioral Therapy, he found out that there was some beliefs on the base of a lot of patologies.
I'll give your an example of erroneus belief without importance to point how easy they are generated:
"When I was younger and learning to cook, my mother explain me thay chickpeas should be soaked on hot water and boil without salt or they would not be cook. The beans are soaked on cold water and boil with salt or they would not be cook. As I'm very disobedient and incapabe to make a recipe as it is on the book I didn't make like my mother told...... and it happen nothing, the chickpeas and the beans cooked even if they were both soaked in cold water and boiled with salt (and very tasty)
It's interesting to realize what really matters and what are simply different ways of making
Human beings make relations of couse and effect very good and sistematic, it's on the base of our way of learning, it's very useful but it can give often superstitious behaviors.
To use our intelligence to analyze and evaluate our beliefs, habits, actions.... will help us to be more happy.
Most of time we behave by habits and make quickly judgement with lttle information, our brain is structured to make patterns, habits, routines, both in actions and in thoughts.
The set of beliefs guide our everyday life, they are our beliefs about anothers doing, what we can do or not, how we are... all this deal our behavior and social relationships.
We use to explain our behavior after, we are an story makers (and we make it really good).
We can detect our beliefs paying attention to what we use to say, and what we use to do, what is important to us, what anothers make that really upset us, what it's usually said in our family.... our beliefs come from our close ambience
To reflect on moral sistem, why we feel something better or worst, the cultural use (like meal times), trying to understand why anothers think the way they do. We don't have to say like a reason to do something "I make it because I think so..." We have to try to find a really reason why something is better doing than another... if we decide to make it because we think so at least we know that there are options the same good.
We can develop a more rational system of beliefs which would help us to live happier, more concious, more responsible and over all more respect with us and the rest of the people, we would get things by negotiation and reason, not because we are stronger or shout louder.
Most of limitations are on our beliefs not in the reality, in general anybody can get anything they want, one astronaut is a human being with trainning, simply somethings take more work than anothers.
One psychologist very interesting to read about destructive beliefs, feelings and behaviors is Albert Ellis who develop the Rational Emotive Behavioral Therapy, he found out that there was some beliefs on the base of a lot of patologies.
I'll give your an example of erroneus belief without importance to point how easy they are generated:
"When I was younger and learning to cook, my mother explain me thay chickpeas should be soaked on hot water and boil without salt or they would not be cook. The beans are soaked on cold water and boil with salt or they would not be cook. As I'm very disobedient and incapabe to make a recipe as it is on the book I didn't make like my mother told...... and it happen nothing, the chickpeas and the beans cooked even if they were both soaked in cold water and boiled with salt (and very tasty)
It's interesting to realize what really matters and what are simply different ways of making
Human beings make relations of couse and effect very good and sistematic, it's on the base of our way of learning, it's very useful but it can give often superstitious behaviors.
To use our intelligence to analyze and evaluate our beliefs, habits, actions.... will help us to be more happy.
Wednesday, April 28, 2010
Living the present
We use to live our lives on the past or on the future, it's rare that we focus on the now, we use to live thinking on when I have a good work, when the children grow up, when I have time... or money....without enjoing about every activity we are doing on the right now.
To remember is not bad, we can enjoy remembering good times and feeling good, but if we use our time to remember bad moments we would be suffering doble and this don't have a lot of sense.
To make plains can be gook, it will give us hope and ilusions but we can not stop living the now because of nothing. If we are not enjoing on the present we have to think twice what is happening in our lives.
The best way to enjoy the present is enjoing on what we do every day, when we are working, or when we are at home. To me it's easy to enjoy in my work because I adore it, but if even you don't like a lot your work, sure you always can find something positive, and sure there is a reason your working on that. When you have to make another things by obligation like for example when I have to iron (this is the activity I like to make less) and I don't have money to pay somebody to make it by me, I put music and I begin singing or I whach something on TV or DVD that I like. There's always a way to enjoy making the things.
You can start on the morning, when you wake up feeling the energy, the ilusion of a new day, when you go to work (I go by bus and I can read, observe the countryside, talk with somebody, or simply thinking on something nice, if it's not nice I stop quickly and I change my mind.
There are several tecnics to focus on the now.
You can stop breathing and begin taking air slowly and imagine it going around all your body. Keep on breathing slowly and deeply while you center the atention on each and every part of your body, being completly concious of anyone.
The biggest problem to live on now is that we're thinking all the time, without stopping, to stop thinking the best way is to try to be very concius on what we are thinking... like telling oneself, now I want to know what I am thinking..... and suddenly..... we think nothing, it's very funny how we work....... Well, so we have to be very concious on what we are doing and we have to try to know what we are thinking so we are center on the present, it's easy, and when we make it more it will be better mada, we would be more conciuos and realize what we loose when we are not center on the present.
When I was younger, during a time I was nervious and I woke up in the night, it takes me terrible work to sleep again, when I begin focus on how nice it was to be lay down in the warm, nice, soft bed, how confortable it was, and I still have a lot of time to stay on the bed until the morning, obviouly I fall sleep very quickly.
To live in the present is an attitude we can take and it really would make us to live better, to slow down, to enjoy and be concious of what we are doing. The most of the time the most important is while your making, more than the result.
I work on a day center with demential people, the most important is to make them have the best quality of life, more important than the own therapy is how I make the therapy, it really focus you in the present, I learn a lot from this.
To remember is not bad, we can enjoy remembering good times and feeling good, but if we use our time to remember bad moments we would be suffering doble and this don't have a lot of sense.
To make plains can be gook, it will give us hope and ilusions but we can not stop living the now because of nothing. If we are not enjoing on the present we have to think twice what is happening in our lives.
The best way to enjoy the present is enjoing on what we do every day, when we are working, or when we are at home. To me it's easy to enjoy in my work because I adore it, but if even you don't like a lot your work, sure you always can find something positive, and sure there is a reason your working on that. When you have to make another things by obligation like for example when I have to iron (this is the activity I like to make less) and I don't have money to pay somebody to make it by me, I put music and I begin singing or I whach something on TV or DVD that I like. There's always a way to enjoy making the things.
You can start on the morning, when you wake up feeling the energy, the ilusion of a new day, when you go to work (I go by bus and I can read, observe the countryside, talk with somebody, or simply thinking on something nice, if it's not nice I stop quickly and I change my mind.
There are several tecnics to focus on the now.
You can stop breathing and begin taking air slowly and imagine it going around all your body. Keep on breathing slowly and deeply while you center the atention on each and every part of your body, being completly concious of anyone.
The biggest problem to live on now is that we're thinking all the time, without stopping, to stop thinking the best way is to try to be very concius on what we are thinking... like telling oneself, now I want to know what I am thinking..... and suddenly..... we think nothing, it's very funny how we work....... Well, so we have to be very concious on what we are doing and we have to try to know what we are thinking so we are center on the present, it's easy, and when we make it more it will be better mada, we would be more conciuos and realize what we loose when we are not center on the present.
When I was younger, during a time I was nervious and I woke up in the night, it takes me terrible work to sleep again, when I begin focus on how nice it was to be lay down in the warm, nice, soft bed, how confortable it was, and I still have a lot of time to stay on the bed until the morning, obviouly I fall sleep very quickly.
To live in the present is an attitude we can take and it really would make us to live better, to slow down, to enjoy and be concious of what we are doing. The most of the time the most important is while your making, more than the result.
I work on a day center with demential people, the most important is to make them have the best quality of life, more important than the own therapy is how I make the therapy, it really focus you in the present, I learn a lot from this.
Tuesday, April 27, 2010
2-love yourself
We use to live depending on what the rest of the people thinks about us.
This can be very stressful because we don't have any control, besides, we would be angels or demons depending who you ask.
What it is really important is what we think about ourselves, if we love and accept us the way we are, with our skills and defects, what the rest of the people think does not mind, it's their business.
We are responsible of what we do and what we say, but if we let anothers to control this, we would not be living our own life and it will make us very unhappy. The way anothers can try to control us is usually by making us feeling guilty or by remembering us what we "should" do. We have to try to think why we make the things, if it is because we really want or because we feel bad about somebody if we don't.
If we love and respect ourselves we feel free to make things by the rest but it is because we choose to do it.
This can be very stressful because we don't have any control, besides, we would be angels or demons depending who you ask.
What it is really important is what we think about ourselves, if we love and accept us the way we are, with our skills and defects, what the rest of the people think does not mind, it's their business.
We are responsible of what we do and what we say, but if we let anothers to control this, we would not be living our own life and it will make us very unhappy. The way anothers can try to control us is usually by making us feeling guilty or by remembering us what we "should" do. We have to try to think why we make the things, if it is because we really want or because we feel bad about somebody if we don't.
If we love and respect ourselves we feel free to make things by the rest but it is because we choose to do it.
1- 3 nice situations before sleeping
Think about 3 nice situations you live during the day before you fall sleep. It will relax you.
We feel like we think. If we're thinking something nice we can't feel anger, if we are able to think something nice before we sleep we will relax and the quality of our sleeping will be better, when we are worry about something we can have an sleepless night.
The brain is like a net, the emotions are conexion whith the thoughts, if we remember something pleasant we would feel good and if this happens before sleeping we will stay calm all night.
Think about 3 nice situations you live during the day before you fall sleep. It will relax you.
We feel like we think. If we're thinking something nice we can't feel anger, if we are able to think something nice before we sleep we will relax and the quality of our sleeping will be better, when we are worry about something we can have an sleepless night.
The brain is like a net, the emotions are conexion whith the thoughts, if we remember something pleasant we would feel good and if this happens before sleeping we will stay calm all night.
why?
This is a selfish blog. I use to be happy, and I like people to be happy, when we are more I'll have more possibilities to meet them
Happiness is on our hand all the time but we don't use to realize. It is an attitude we can take about what it happens to us, if the situation is too tough we can always take it easy and stand while it lasts.
I will try to give 1001 ideas easy to do about how to enjoy life.
Besides I have to improve my english, so if I write something wrong, or strange, please tell me.
Happiness is on our hand all the time but we don't use to realize. It is an attitude we can take about what it happens to us, if the situation is too tough we can always take it easy and stand while it lasts.
I will try to give 1001 ideas easy to do about how to enjoy life.
Besides I have to improve my english, so if I write something wrong, or strange, please tell me.
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